Reconciling with people you’ve hurt before you sought treatment for alcohol use disorder (AUD) or substance use disorder (SUD) isn’t just a vital step in recovery—it’s a profound gesture of respect, growth, and integrity. Making amends helps rebuild trust, mend relationships, and internalize your commitment to change. It’s a symbolic and practical way to clean your side of the street and say: “I’m learning, I’m sorry, and I’m different now.”
The Purpose Behind Making Amends
All that said, healing isn’t just about saying “I’m sorry”—it’s about turning those words into genuine, lasting change. Step 9 of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) encourages participants to “make amends…wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” This step is designed to shift dishonesty and shame into integrity and accountability.
Psychological research emphasizes that this intentional act of acknowledging specific wrongs and taking corrective action helps repair trust and fosters emotional freedom. It’s also a powerful form of self-healing. Rebuilding connections supports mental health and creates a solid foundation for success in your long-term recovery, both personally and relationally.
By confronting past mistakes rather than hiding from them, you replace guilt with self-respect and hopelessness with renewed connection. This becomes an important step on the path to becoming the person you aspire to be.
How This Action Strengthens Relationships
Even one apology can start a chain reaction of healing. Restored communication, renewed trust, and emotional closeness all flow from sincere efforts to make things right. Through openness, you foster a culture of empathy and show that your recovery impacts both yourself and those around you positively.
Navigating the Amends Process
It’s vital to understand that not every situation is ready for amends. Step 9 itself cautions, “Make amends only if it won’t cause further harm.” Mental preparation is key. Reflect deeply on your behavior and its effects, often guided by a sponsor or therapist, to ensure your approach is thoughtful and fitting.
Choosing the Right Moment
Select a time that respects boundaries and emotional readiness. A private phone call, a handwritten letter, or a face-to-face conversation can all be suitable, provided they’re timed and delivered with respect.
Saying What Matters
Without question, talking about addiction and related behaviors is challenging. Simply speak honestly and concisely. Describe the hurt caused, without excuses. Reflect the phrasing from AA’s Step 9 guidance:
- “I’m truly sorry for ___. I know I hurt you, and I want to let you know I’ve changed. If there’s anything I can do, I want to do it.”
Expressing intentions to change behavior shows you’re committed to repair and growth.
Listening With Respect
When others respond, hold space for their feelings. Their pain, anger, or silence is valid—even if it’s hard to receive. Real healing begins when you can listen without interruption, validation without defense, and care without conditions.
Handling Unanswered or Rejected Amends
Owning your mistakes through amends reflects integrity—not dependency on another’s forgiveness.
AA clarifies in Step 9 that you should make amends “wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” The emphasis is on doing what’s ethically right, not on forcing a particular response. If your attempt is met with silence or is declined, understand that your responsibility lies in the attempt itself. AA teaches that once you’ve genuinely extended an apology, your duty is fulfilled—regardless of whether the other person responds.
It’s normal to feel disappointment or guilt if an apology isn’t accepted. However, AA and other 12-Step recovery programs also teach the importance of letting go of an attachment to outcomes: your peace lies in owning your actions. Accepting this is a powerful step forward in your emotional healing.
When direct amends aren’t received or possible, a process known as “living amends” demonstrates ongoing accountability, demonstrated through consistent, positive behavior such as honesty, dependability, and kindness. These might include:
- Donate to a charity in someone’s honor.
- Write a symbolic letter of apology in your journal.
- Volunteer for a charitable organization that’s important to that person and/or related to the harm you’ve caused.
- Attend recovery-related appointments, complete an anger management class, or see a counselor to address mental health issues.
- Pray or meditate to connect with someone who’s no longer with you.
Making amends isn’t about clearing your conscience—it’s about transformation. Real restoration may unfold slowly, but the journey itself reshapes you. Whether accepted or not, sincere amends reflect courage, clarity, and character. The people you hurt may not forgive—and that’s okay—but you’ll gain peace, grow stronger, and honor your path in recovery.
Find More Ways to Heal at Great Oaks
As a premier addiction rehabilitation and dual diagnosis treatment center, Great Oaks Recovery Center, outside of Houston, Texas, provides you with evidence-based practices combined with holistic wellness techniques to help you manage your condition more effectively. Our detailed continuing care program helps you understand what a life of wellness truly means to you and, more importantly, how you can maintain it effectively. If you’re ready to choose a healthier path, call our admissions team today.
