If You Find It Hard to Ask for Help, Read This

Many of us find it difficult to ask for help. Sometimes it’s because of pride, or that we don’t want to bother anyone, or we believe we can handle the situation by ourselves. In certain circumstances, self-sufficiency is a good characteristic. But if you suspect you’re moving through the stages of addiction or you haven’t found the right care for a dual diagnosis, here are the reasons why reaching out is the best thing for you. 

What’s the Problem Under the Problem? 

Have you ever had times when you start talking about a problem or concern only to stop and say, “It’s no big deal. Really. Forget I said anything.”? You’re not the only one. A lot of people do this for various reasons, such as: 

• Worrying that your thoughts and feelings won’t be taken seriously.
• Being afraid of what might happen after you tell them. 
• Not truly believing you can trust the other person.
• Thinking no one really cares about you. 

Remember, your emotions are valid, but if any of these statements apply to you, it might be important to uncover the reasons why. These issues might be symptoms of relational trauma or a mental health disorder, such as PTSD, anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder.  

In any of these cases, it’s easy to get caught in an unrelenting loop. For example, let’s say you feel anxious about a concern. The limbic system of your brain, which regulates your emotional and behavioral responses, starts firing on all cylinders, trying to assess whether that concern is a threat, how to counter the threat if necessary, and then retaining this information in your memory.  

When you feel overwhelmed, the limbic system can override more logical thought processes and create additional feelings of anxiety. So although you might want to ask for help, the worries listed above cloud your intentions. This puts you in what MHA calls a “thinking trap of negativity,” causing you to feel even more anxiety—and then shut down. Now you’re in the loop: still concerned and anxious, but unable to reach out, and thus, even more concerned and anxious. 

Working with a qualified therapist is the best first step to understanding what might be at the center of the difficulty of asking for help. They’ll provide insight into what’s really stopping you from progressing and outline various techniques you can use to move forward.     

How to Ask for Help

Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries is a psychoanalyst, management scholar, and an executive coach. In this article for the Harvard Business Review, he says that “asking for help is not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, it can be one of the more courageous things you can do.” His advice? “Be smart enough to know when you need help and to ask for it effectively.” 

He suggests the SMART approach: “Detail the help you need, explain why you need it, suggest steps the people you’re asking could take, ensure that it’s within their ability to do so, and spell out when you need things done by.”

The acronym stands for:   

• Specific
• Meaningful
• Action-oriented
• Realistic
• Time-bound 

See if the following scenario might work for you.

1. Specific

Be clear and direct about the personal issue you’re facing. Avoid vague or generalized statements.

Example:

• Not Specific: “I’m feeling overwhelmed.”
• Specific: “I’m struggling to manage my work and personal life because I’m constantly stressed about deadlines and family responsibilities.”

2. Meaningful

Explain why getting help with this issue is important to you. This creates emotional resonance and helps the person understand the significance of the issue.

Example:

• “Finding a better balance is important because I feel like my mental health is suffering and I might be triggered more often. These feelings affect my work and my relationships.”

3. Action-oriented

Instead of making general requests like “I need advice,” suggest practical ways they can assist you.

Example:

• “Could you help me organize a weekly schedule or suggest stress-management techniques that have worked for you?”

4. Realistic

Ensure your request is reasonable, given the other person’s abilities and time. Don’t ask for more than they can provide, and be mindful of their boundaries. Keep it manageable.

Example:

• “I know you have a busy schedule, so even 20 minutes to talk through this would really help.”

5. Time-bound

Provide a timeframe to help the person understand when their help is needed. Setting a time limit also respects their availability and encourages timely action.

Example:

• “Could we talk about this sometime this week, maybe on Thursday or Friday evening?”

Now put it all together: 

“I’m struggling to balance work and personal life, and it’s stressing me out to the point where it’s affecting my mental health, my recovery, and my relationships with my family. I know you’ve dealt with similar challenges, and I was wondering if you could please help me organize a weekly schedule or share some stress-management tips that worked for you. If you have 20 minutes this Thursday or Friday evening, I’d really appreciate your advice.”

Find the Help You Need at Great Oaks 

Our goal at Great Oaks Recovery Center outside of Houston, Texas is to respond to your needs. We have a multidisciplinary approach to addiction rehabilitation, featuring hands-on experience from highly trained professionals who specialize in substance use disorder, alcohol use disorder, and dual diagnosis. We understand that when you come to us, you might not have the answers. That’s okay—our job is to help you find them, and we want to help. Talk to a member of our admissions staff to learn more.